Wut Wut Life?

I unfriended him on Facebook. I had blocked him from seeing my posts on FB for awhile now, feeling like one day I'll know its time to unblock him and we can slowly rebuild our friendship or something. Unfortunately that means I see his name every time I post something (as the person who won't see the post.) I'm just tired of having this pending decision over my head about when I should be friends with him again or waiting for the day I'll feel better about what went down and we can be buddies. In retrospect, he hadn't given a shit or tried to make things better for quite some time by the time it ended. So really, why am I spending any energy worrying about preserving some last shred of friendship when I don't know if he sincerely wants to be friends, or if he'll even give a shit or treat me better than with the apathy I was so used to seeing. Plus in no universe do I want to see him his girlfriend. Lovely as she may be, I don't want to see. 

This past Saturday started off promisingly. I have an upcoming triathlon in two weeks, so I made the drive out to the race venue (about 50 miles from my house) to practice the swim start and evaluate the surf conditions. Everything went well and I felt very prepared and relaxed. Took my sweet time driving back, making a couple of pit stops to ease the impact of traffic... I was near my house at a local shop when I opened up facebook and saw a photo of my ex, with his arm around a woman I do not know, first thing on my feed. Fuck. I didn't need to see that. I had muted him in Facebook so I wouldn't see his posts, updates or comments anywhere on my feed. I understood it would not be good for me right now. I thought this would also apply to anything he was tagged in, but for whatever reason, here we were. I scan over the picture and post. It was posted by his mom (hey, I've known her for a couple of years, and it's hard making friends with professional woman who can

I do notice what's changed about me since the dumping happened. I mean after the initial rage, betrayal, and pain (mostly) subsided. Overall I've found things that bring happiness and purpose in my life that are new or I let slide over the years, but there are also neutral or lingering bad things that's still around after 7 months. I've looked for myself in some old hobbies that I've let go of over the years. I've thought about why I made them a part of my life at some point in time, and why I kinda let them go. I've brought some of them back into my life. I looked at figure skating. I still have my old skates, and now I have the means to pursue it more regularly. I used to only go every so often since I couldn't afford the rink entrance fees. It would still be a fun workout, but I've got another sport I've committed to, so maybe another time. I looked at the portfolios of old art I did over 15-10 years ago,  and they still bring a smile to

So he texted me in the beginning of May (a couple months after he dumped me) and asked me how I was doing. I wrote him back the next day that I was good. He then asked if I wanted to start trying to be friends and that he was free on Saturday for lunch. I was anxious about it the entire rest of the day. Not the good anxious. The thought of seeing him on purpose, at his request, made me sick. In my head, in some way, he was still the guy that hurt me so much. In the current ranking of people who have hurt me, he was the top of the current charts. I don't want to be a part of anything to do with him. I don't want to see him, I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to listen to people talk about him, I don't want to see his face on social media. I'm still not sure if I'll ever want to be his friend, but I was damned sure I didn't want to be his friend right now.  Right now, he can take a long walk off a short pier. By himself.  So I told him that if

So I'm back in my hometown to visit my parents. I hadn't told them about the breakup. It was easy to avoid the subject when I was 400 miles away at the other end of California, communicating by text. Before I went on the trip home mom asked me on WeChat if my boyfriend was coming with me this visit. I typed "Just me." Which was technically not a lie. Not the case when I am physically at the same room as my mom.  She asked how the boyfriend was doing, and I told her we broke up. She asked why, and I realized I lacked the Chinese vocabulary to explain it to her properly. I tried to explain that there was a communication issue, but that didn't quite work out. So the end explanation was something akin to he didn't think I doted on him enough, and he thought it was too hard to talk to me about it to fix it.  That was good enough. It wasn't going to change anything anyway. I held my breath for what I knew was coming. Low grade blame game. It was going to

I'm enraged.  I was out to dinner with a mutual friend of my ex's. I value her friendship and I told her I wanted to be friends if she was up to it, no matter what went down with my ex (they were friends first). She's a cool person and we have a lot in common. Even before the breakup, she and I hung out and went places together. I valued her friendship, not for some gateway back to my ex or whatever.  So I'm at dinner with her and she mentioned the ex in passing about some topic that came up. No big deal, I treat it just as if she brought up whoever in the course of conversation and don't act any differently, because it really felt fine.  I'm not going to hear his name and shatter. Maybe like a month ago, but not now. She still carpools with him and is friends with him and I have no feelings one way or another about that. I respect her enough to accept that she doesn't have to sensor what she says about her life, her friends, etc.  Then she brough