Wut Setbacks

This past Saturday started off promisingly.

I have an upcoming triathlon in two weeks, so I made the drive out to the race venue (about 50 miles from my house) to practice the swim start and evaluate the surf conditions. Everything went well and I felt very prepared and relaxed. Took my sweet time driving back, making a couple of pit stops to ease the impact of traffic...

I was near my house at a local shop when I opened up facebook and saw a photo of my ex, with his arm around a woman I do not know, first thing on my feed.

Fuck. I didn't need to see that.

I had muted him in Facebook so I wouldn't see his posts, updates or comments anywhere on my feed. I understood it would not be good for me right now. I thought this would also apply to anything he was tagged in, but for whatever reason, here we were.

I scan over the picture and post. It was posted by his mom (hey, I've known her for a couple of years, and it's hard making friends with professional woman who can give you genuine advice, okay, so I am still friends with her in FB, but I've kept a respectful distance). It was a birthday outing. There were also his brothers, one of his brother's girlfriends, and a mutual friend of ours that I made a point to continue being friends with because we actually were really good friends.

Shock set it first. Here I was, in the middle of a sports outdoor equipment store, staring too long at this photo.

The universe didn't end. I didn't start crying. Hey, I was taking it well.

Then I thought "THAT JUDAS!" about mutual friend. Immediately I regretted that feeling because it was stupid, and anger misdirected. She's a good friend, her own person, and entitled to her relationships. I should not be threatened by this. This doesn't change the fact that we are still good friends.

So I keep walking around the store and all sorts of other feelings surfaced. Jealousy, anger, indignation, and fear.

Fear I had been replaced. So easily replaced. In months. He took her to meet the family already. How fast did he start dating this woman?

Part of me was mad at her, then I thought that was stupid since I know nothing about this woman except what she looked like. She could be an absolutely wonderful person, does charity work, is great with animals, loves cats.... still doesn't change the fact that she's standing where I wanted to be a couple of months ago.

Despite understanding the inherent issues with mine and my ex's relationship, it still sucks getting replaced, and seeing him in a relationship before I'm in one.

So yeah, I quickly retreated to the store bathroom for a quiet cry. Followed by finishing the shopping wearing sunglasses indoors, crying while sitting in a drive thru, and ugly crying while eating a burger by myself at home.

I did ask some friends for an affirmation text. For obvious reasons I didn't go crying to the mutual friend. It wouldn't be a fair conversation for me to initiate. I'm not that big of a jerk.

I thought about practicing in the surf earlier in the morning. I practiced for weeks surf swimming, and sometimes you make progress, only to raise your head to see a wave from out of nowhere that knocka you back and under. The only thing to do us to regroup, take a breath when it's safe, put your head down again, and keep swimming. Waiting around in shock will only make things worse since you're just staying where the surf breaks.

Factually I understand what he does with his own life shouldn't impact me anymore, and I shouldn't let it. It still feels bad. It's like I've worked so hard all these months and here he is being happy with his new relationship, and I don't want him to be happy because I still resent him. (Note: this is how I can tell it is not the right time to be friends with him.)

Ugh.

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