What's Left?

So he texted me in the beginning of May (a couple months after he dumped me) and asked me how I was doing. I wrote him back the next day that I was good. He then asked if I wanted to start trying to be friends and that he was free on Saturday for lunch.

I was anxious about it the entire rest of the day. Not the good anxious. The thought of seeing him on purpose, at his request, made me sick. In my head, in some way, he was still the guy that hurt me so much. In the current ranking of people who have hurt me, he was the top of the current charts. I don't want to be a part of anything to do with him. I don't want to see him, I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to listen to people talk about him, I don't want to see his face on social media.

I'm still not sure if I'll ever want to be his friend, but I was damned sure I didn't want to be his friend right now.  Right now, he can take a long walk off a short pier. By himself. 

So I told him that if I wanted to be his friend, I want to do it right, and it is too soon for this. Told him I hope he was doing well. End of conversation for me.

He writes back that we should take it so, and then goes on to tell me how he was doing and what he's been doing. I thought to myself that I didn't ask him how he was doing, or what he was doing.  I didn't ask him a question. I don't want to know. Not unless he indeed took that long walk off I mentioned before.

I didn't write him back.

If I think about it, there's really nothing left of the old relationship to salvage. Anything we used to do together I wouldn't feel comfortable doing with a "friend". Stuff I wanted to do with a friend I didn't do with him because he couldn't care less about them when we dated. (He straight up walked out on me in the middle of Orange County Fair. That hurt. He never came to any one of my races or to do a race when I invited him to race with me for moral support. He just kept forgetting about it.) If there was to be some friendship, we'd have to invent something new, and I just can't image scrounging up the interest to bother to do it right now.  The current level of disenchantment I have for him right now just won't let that work.

About two weeks ago I was hanging out at the local mall, just walking around after work, looking at things at the store, when I got a text from a mutual friend of a photo from a game store in the same mall. I asked her if she was at the mall right now, and she said she was. I told her I was too. She said she was with him since it was their friend-circle game night and they were just here to grab dinner. I told her say no more, that I'll talk to her later. I yeeted out of there so fast I sped walk to the parking lot, only to get off the wrong floor on the elevator, but I didn't want to run into them (She said they were also leaving). I was about to run down the stairs when I thought I saw the top of her head, them coming up the stairs. I didn't wait to find out if it was them and ran for the other set of stairs, down the stairs, then full sprint to my car.

Yeah, I really don't want to see him. I don't know what's going to happen if I do, but I know it's not going to be good.

Only bad feelings are left.