Wut Now, Single Brown Cow?

Things weren't bad.

I had a good job (with its struggles of course), great small group of friends (the way I like it), mom still fighting the good fight with cancer (stupid disease won't go away but it's mostly holding), and a great guy I'd been dating for almost four years.

Elaborating on the great guy for a moment: We were doing all the normal boyfriend girlfriend stuff... for someone who was dating for maybe about a year or two. We had a great time together, but we hadn't moved in together, despite my hinting the good hint. He told me he would not consider marrying someone unless he has lived with that person for at least a year. I thought about that from time to time. Even his aunt asked me this past Christmas about if we were going to get married and I just said the boyfriend moved at his own pace, that's how he was. A number of people in his life got divorced recently as had one of my friends. I thought things were good, I'm not going to push it. Honestly, who wants to plan a wedding anyway, especially when your mom is fighting cancer? I was happy having him in my life, even though he felt aloof sometimes. Every day at work I looked at this picture of us I had at my desk and thought to myself "I'm so lucky."

We never fought. The most tense times in our relationship were the prior two times we had talks about me not showing enough physical affection with him. He would wait until I was really tired at night and said we weren't having enough sex, that he had tried to initiate by some physical touch that I thought was just that and that I "rejected" him. I explained I was clear when I wanted to initiate sex, but that I was not receiving the message when he was trying to do so, not rejecting him. I asked him to use his words to tell me what he needed, because I could not always read minds, and that I would be able to learn the signs. Also, since we didn't live together, we didn't get as much time together. Sometimes we had things we needed to do even when we were together and could not logistically fit in some sexy time (like hang out with friends, leave at a certain time to go do something else or go home since it's the middle of the week), so we only saw each other once a week with actual opportunity for things to occur, and it was not realistic every week.

I thought we agreed on how to progress from there, me using my best project management and situation behavior impact feedback system, and that we had a healthy communication system going on.  I was wrong.

Rounding back to not reading minds, apparently he was agonizing about how this never got better for the last year of our relationship (oh yeah, this is a breakup blog. Sorry for the spoiler!) So five days before our 4 year anniversary he dumped me. I tried calmly for a bit to try to explain we could work it out, but he said he tried everything. I didn't see it that way (what the heck happened to agreeing to using his words???).  He even came up with new problems we hadn't even tried to fix because he never mentioned them (like how I didn't randomly kiss him spontaneously to show affection, that he always had to initiate the kiss goodnight.) How was I supposed to solve the problem if he didn't provide me with enough clues to how to do this? What kind of sick impossible game was this? (Ironically, he's a game designer. He should know better.)

It didn't seem fair at all.

Then again, love was not a democracy.  I don't know if he told me the truth about why he decided to give up. I still think it's absolutely for the lamest reason ever, but it doesn't matter. Even if there was some big reason he would not share with me, it didn't matter. He gave up on us. So he left.

I haven't talked to him for a month.

My friends rallied around me. I unloaded my thoughts on them that night and went to bed crying. I knew it wasn't my fault, even though he said it that way. Empirically I knew it was not my fault. Doesn't mean I didn't feel like garbage.

Went to work the next day like a trooper, even though I kept my sunglasses on the entire day on account of the puffy eyes. Had to take one mental health day in the month that followed since I could not sleep sometimes. Watched multiple videos and read every article that might contain some sliver of wisdom about what the heck just happened. Kept up with my Ironman training (Because I was going to finish this year, dang it!). Went out and did fun things. Went out and walked in the rain. Went out and did different things just because they were different. I was just trying to figure out what do I do with this life now.

I know I'll get better, but that doesn't mean I don't feel quite lost right now. I had some idea what my future was going to look like with this great guy, even though we were a bit behind schedule, I didn't think we were on the cusp of breaking up. I thought he was just taking his time and eventually we would get there. Life together, kids, supporting each other's careers. Us against the world.

That future evaporated in that last conversation.

Wut wut life? What is this about now? What was it ever about?

Journaling and self improvement are some activities suggested by multiple sources. So here goes, I guess.